DISCLAIMER: This review contains mature language. Reader discretion is advised.
Previously on Keijo!!!!!!!!
After Kaminashi gets molested, we flash all the way back to the test. Oh yes, the test. Finally. Yay.
We see most of the previous characters in one-piece swimsuits, crowded around a bulletin board. We then get some ass exposition as Miyata explains how the top ranking players get their tuition cut in half. Obviously, Setouchi Training School is the Harvard of ButtBoob Sumo, so Kaminashi gets excited.
They then officially start the test. A middle-aged redhead woman (hardened ButtBoob Sumo coach) tells the group over megaphone they’ll be playing on a course called a Rock Land. It’s the same kind of platforms connected with narrow walkways. Also, megaphone coach calls it a race, but she never mentions a finish line. She does say whatever platform a girl makes it to will affect her score, but it’s not clear how.
Each of them gets placed on a platform and we are officially Keijoing.
While Miaya reflects on how narrow the platforms are in this batshit insane variant of vintage Keijo, Kaminashi runs to another girl’s platform and slams down on it.
And slams her ass against the other girl’s face.
I’d like to think she’s just now realizing how this game might be insane. It could take an ass to the face. I can see how you’d be onboard up until then.
Then they Assduel.
I don’t know how else to describe it.
Scientists: question not Keijo!!!!!!!’s disregard for physics or Newton’s third law. Ask not how a Japanese teenager can flip around fast enough to hit someone with her ass meat. Do not wonder how their ankles don’t shatter. Allow the anime fungus to continue up your brain stem, swallowing your doubt. All you need are animes.
You could call them glutes, but that’s what serious adult sports call those muscles. And wouldn’t it be more about the hips than the ass? And if ass mass is the goal, wouldn’t it be better to be built like a regular sumo wrestler? All the hardened, Channing Tatum strength glute steel wouldn’t do much to a wall of John Goodmens. Or Rikishis.
While Kaminashi is wave-dashing, Miyata watches from afar. She doesn’t think she needs to pay attention.
So another girl does‒
This is like when swordsmen lock blades. Or when handsome swedes lock penises while trying to stab each other to death. With their penises.
Meanwhile, Kaminashi R. Mika’s the shit out of two girls that don’t matter.
Some backstory: the two girls originally ganged up on Kaminashi, turn on each other and receive a sonic ass punch for their hubris. Such is Keijo.
The girls are knocked off the platform. Kaminashi also calls this move Butt Cannon. Please take note in your Shounen Super Move Guide. Nothing else matters.
Back to Miyata, who knocks out a group by spinning around fast. And hitting her assailants rapidly (RapidAss?). We also hear gunshots for each cheek impact. All the girls fall into the water. Absolutely no part of me is making this up. Keijo mocks reality.
And then Miyata smacks her ass.
Some more assdueling happens. Purple Bob saves Kaminashi from another two girls who don’t matter. She does this by using super Keijo speed to … kill the other girls? With her ass? She flips around and they go limp. The point of impact is marked with a snapping sound.
I don’t know what emotions to feel.
Miyata and other girl are still assdueling. At one point, other girl tries launching her ass at Miyata’s chest, but she has small breasts that can’t deflect the impact. If you think about what boobs are, this makes no sense. Stop it. Let the fungus grow.
But Miyata’s tits explode.
But wait, no.
It’s a hologram.
She projected a boob hologram that was really her butt. She just did that. They will never explain how. They can do that, and we have to keep on living. We have to live in a world where that’s okay.
It’s. Not. Fucking. Okay.
What’s happening with Kaminashi?
It’s a direct hit. Everyone assumes Kaminashi is out, but instead she keeps her face in Purple Bob’s ass.
Kaminashi then pulls out. She figured Purple Bob aims for the jaw “to shake the brain and knock them unconscious. Let’s not focus on how that would break someone’s jaw. Instead, focus on Kaminashi’s solution: jamming her face into Purple Bob’s ass. The thing she uses to knock people out. Bold.
Purple Bob responds with something called Butt Guillotine.
Despite it looking like no part of Purple Bob touched her, Kaminashi is on the ropes. She’s breathing heavy and scraped up (HOW???). Kaminashi throws a hail Mary by slamming her nords against Purble Bob’s.
Kaminashi has reasons Purple Bob can’t pinpoint her attacks when she’s so close. And with two more tittays on her.
They push each other back and forth by their boobs.
A desperate struggle. You would think boobs are actually sacks of fat stuck against a woman’s sternum. You would think they would roll to the side so each girl would be grinding their breastbones together, and be utterly useless in this scenario.
But we are living in a post-boob hologram world. Facts mean nothing.
As if in response, Purple Bob says boobs can do more than push. And pushes Kaminashi away with her boobs.
Kaminashi holds on by … grabbing the front of Purple Bob’s swimsuit. With her boobs.
The Assdueling intensifies. An epic struggle of animators working for $6 a day plays out.
Kaminashi is tired. She sees the darkness behind Purple Bob’s Mel Gibson eyes. She’s seen her friends die by her love lumps. She goes in hard one last time. She has nothing left. Her tits probably hurt. This is it.
Her ass goes in for the kill.
The dust settles. Everyone looks on in stunned silence, but alas, Kaminashi’s butt did not reach Purple Bob.
And Purple Bob’s ass did. Kaminashi is defeated.
Kaminashi falls below the surface. As the blue shimmers above, she reflects on her loss. We lost so much more.
To be fair, there’s a scene after where Kaminashi tells Miyata how her loss taught her a newfound respect for ButtBoob Sumo. She played her best against the best and feels no shame in defeat. Which is a decently satisfying way to wrap up her arc.
To be even more fair, fuck you, Keijo Too Many Fucking Question Marks.
Technically more happens in this episode, including Miyata confessing she wants to be a Keijo pro so she can wear nice swimsuits (so not kidding). We also see more side characters and Kaminashi check into her dorm, but it’s all dull as sin, so I’m calling it here.
Keijo!!!!!!!! is so unhinged it almost distracts you from how boring it is. The protagonist’s motivation for the big finale was getting her tuition reduced. It’s impossible to be invested at that point. Throw in cardboard thin characters and a logic defying gimmick, which is somehow meant to be sexy. It’s not.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those weirdos who isn’t attracted to cartoons.
That said, nothing in Keijo!!!!!!!! does it for me. Maybe it’s the cheap linework, maybe it’s the sound of the animator’s sanity breaking as they attempt to make this insane concept work visually. Maybe it’s because Keijo feels like a fanservice arms race. Like the war criminals who farted this shit out expected me to double over in laughter at the BoobHologram. While rubbing a few out.
Instead, I want to drink bleach.
If you’re interested in hearing what brought this article about, check out last week’s Pixcelation Pixcelcast. If you agree or disagree, feel free to let us know in the comments. Thanks for reading!